ADHD & Injustice: Breaking the Toxic Loop

Injustice and Feeling Misunderstood

Breaking Free from the Toxic Loop of Misunderstanding and RSD

Understanding the Pain

The Hidden Reality

For people with ADHD, real or perceived injustice, including being or feeling misunderstood, isn't just disappointing—it can feel like a deep wounding that cuts to the core of who they are. This sensitivity to unfairness is rooted in neurobiology, not character flaws.

Why ADHD Brains React Strongly:

  • Emotional dysregulation: Impaired prefrontal cortex regulation
  • Memory differences: Past hurts feel as fresh as new ones
  • Moral intensity: Strong sense of justice makes unfairness unbearable
  • RSD activation: Being or feeling misunderstood can have the same intense emotional effects as being or feeling criticised or rejected

The Double Whammy

Personal injustice: "They don't see me for who I am"

Systemic injustice: Environments that are not friendly or tolerant to people with neurodivergent differences

The double wounding: Feeling misjudged AND feeling it's unjust that you're misjudged

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Is This Real or Is This RSD? — Quick Decision Flowchart

1. Trigger

I feel rejected, criticised, or misunderstood.

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2. Pause & Check Intensity

Rate how strong this feeling is on a scale of 1–10.

If above 7

Use TIPP or grounding first before thinking further

Click for TIPP details

If 7 or below

Move to evidence check

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3. Evidence Check

Is this real or is this RSD?

Click for detailed reality testing questions

No evidence

This might be RSD. Use CBT reframes:

  • What's another explanation?
  • Would I see it the same way tomorrow?
  • What would I tell a friend in my shoes?

Yes evidence

This may be real. Choose a wise response:

  • Do I need to set a boundary?
  • Is there a calm way to ask for clarity?
  • Get grounded before responding (click for TIPP skills)
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Radical Acceptance: 3 Steps

Radical acceptance is about stopping the fight with reality so you can respond wisely instead of reacting from pain. It doesn't mean you approve of the situation—just that you're choosing not to add suffering on top of pain.

1. Accept Circumstances

Core Idea: Stop fighting what already is.

  • "They misunderstood me. I can't undo that right now."
  • Resisting reality adds pain on top of pain.

Ask yourself:

  • Am I wishing things were different instead of dealing with what's real?
  • What would it look like if I stopped struggling against this moment?

2. Accept Emotions

Core Idea: Feel what you feel, without judgment.

  • "I feel crushed and angry. That's valid and human."
  • You don't have to like your feelings to let them be.

Ask yourself:

  • Where in my body am I noticing this emotion?
  • Can I name it without labelling it as "bad" or "wrong"?
  • What would happen if I allowed this feeling instead of pushing it away?

3. Accept Others

Core Idea: Release the need for their validation.

  • "They may never see the truth. That's their limitation, not mine."
  • You cannot control their perception — only your response.

Ask yourself:

  • Is their inability to understand about me, or about their own limits?
  • Can I let go of needing their approval to validate my worth?
  • What boundary or self-care step would support me here?

Radical Acceptance Reminder

  • It doesn't mean approval. You're not saying the situation is okay — just that you're choosing not to fight reality.
  • It creates space for calm action. Once you stop resisting, you can respond wisely instead of reacting from pain.
  • It's a practice. You may need to remind yourself of these steps many times.
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Reality Testing: "Is this real or is this RSD?"

"Is this real or is this RSD?" is a powerful way to pause and reality-test when RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) flares up. This approach blends cognitive checks with distress tolerance and mindfulness to help you step back from overwhelming emotional reactions. Here are practical questions grouped by focus to help you navigate these intense moments.

Evidence & Perspective Checks

  • What's the actual evidence that this person is rejecting me?
  • Am I interpreting their tone, body language, or silence — or do I have facts?
  • Could there be another explanation for their behaviour?
  • If a friend told me this story, what would I think?
  • How might this look in a week — will it still feel as intense?

Emotion & Intensity Awareness

  • What emotion am I feeling right now — and where do I feel it in my body?
  • On a scale of 1–10, how strong is this feeling?
  • Is the strength of this reaction bigger than the situation seems to call for?
  • What triggered this — was it words, a look, a memory, or an assumption?
  • Could this be echoing an old wound rather than just today's event?

Context & Proportionality Checks

  • Does this person usually treat me with care, or is this an exception?
  • How would I respond if I weren't already feeling sensitive today?
  • Am I taking this more personally than they intended?
  • If I zoom out, how important is this situation in the bigger picture?
  • What else is going on in their life that might explain their behaviour?

Self-Soothing & Action Planning

  • What can I do right now to bring my emotional intensity down (TIPP, grounding, etc.)?
  • Do I need to respond right away, or can I wait until I feel calmer?
  • What would a wise, compassionate version of me say in this moment?
  • If I assume it IS RSD, what's the kindest thing I can do for myself now?
  • What's one small, safe step I can take instead of reacting impulsively?

Remember:

The goal isn't to dismiss your feelings or convince yourself nothing happened. It's to create space between the trigger and your response, so you can choose how to react rather than being driven by the intensity of RSD.

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TIPP Skills for Crisis Moments

TIPP skills are a set of quick, evidence-based distress tolerance techniques from Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT). They're designed for moments when emotions feel overwhelming and you need to reduce your emotional intensity fast, before you can think clearly or use other coping skills. Here's a breakdown of each one with more detail:

T — Temperature

What it is: Quickly changing your body temperature to calm the nervous system.

How it works: A sudden shift in body temperature activates the dive reflex, slowing heart rate and calming the body.

Examples:

  • Splashing cold water on your face
  • Holding an ice cube
  • Taking a cold shower
  • Dunking your face in a bowl of cold water for 30 seconds

I — Intense Exercise

What it is: Short bursts of vigorous movement to burn off stress hormones and reset your body's arousal level.

How it works: Intense movement uses up the adrenaline and cortisol flooding your system when you're emotionally triggered.

Examples:

  • Running up the stairs
  • Doing jumping jacks, push-ups, or burpees
  • Fast walking around the block
  • Dancing hard to one upbeat song

P — Paced Breathing

What it is: Slowing and regulating your breath to send calming signals to your nervous system.

How it works: Extending the exhale activates the parasympathetic (rest and digest) system, reducing anxiety and panic.

Examples:

  • Inhale for a count of 4, exhale for a count of 6
  • Box breathing: inhale 4, hold 4, exhale 4, hold 4
  • Counting breaths or using an app to guide rhythm

P — Paired Muscle Relaxation

What it is: Tensing and then releasing different muscle groups while focusing on the sensation of relaxation.

How it works: Releases physical tension linked with emotional distress and grounds you in the body.

Examples:

  • Clench fists tightly, hold 5 seconds, then release and notice relaxation
  • Shrug shoulders up hard, then drop them down
  • Progress through body parts: hands, arms, face, shoulders, legs, feet

When to use TIPP skills:

  • When you're on the verge of a meltdown, panic attack, or impulsive behaviour
  • When you need to bring emotions down before problem-solving
  • When mindfulness or talking feels impossible because you're too triggered

The Toxic Loop

Click on each stage to explore how the cycle reinforces itself

Being Misunderstood RSD Triggered Emotional Response Reactive Behaviour Further Misunder- standing TOXIC LOOP Click any stage to explore

Stage 1: Being Misunderstood

The trigger event occurs when someone misreads your intentions, labels your behavior wrongly, or dismisses your feelings. This doesn't feel like a minor miscommunication - it feels like a fundamental misinterpretation and judgement of what you meant and who you are.

Common Triggers Include:

  • Work situations: A boss saying you're "not focused" when you're actually hyperfocused on the task
  • Social interactions: A friend interpreting your direct communication style as "rude" or "insensitive"
  • Family dynamics: A family member calling you "lazy" when you're struggling with executive dysfunction
  • Relationship conflicts: A partner assuming you "don't care" when you forget something important
  • Professional feedback: Being labeled as "disorganized" when your system works differently

Key Insight: These aren't just misunderstandings - they often target core ADHD traits, making the pain feel deeply personal and unjust.

Stage 2: RSD Triggered

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria activates when the nervous system interprets the misunderstanding as rejection or attack. This isn't regular hurt feelings - it's an intense, often extreme emotional and physical reaction that feels life-threatening.

What RSD Feels Like:

  • Physical sensations: Punch to the gut, chest tightness, throat constriction, nausea
  • Emotional intensity: Feeling "emotionally skinned alive" or devastated beyond proportion
  • Cognitive impact: Racing thoughts, catastrophic thinking, sense of impending doom
  • Identity threat: Feeling like everyone can see how worthless or broken you are
  • Time distortion: The pain feels like it will last forever

Internal Dialogue:

  • "They think I'm incompetent"
  • "I'm going to get fired/rejected/abandoned"
  • "I'm a fraud and everyone can see it"
  • "I ruin everything I touch"

Key Insight: RSD is a neurobiological response, not accurate information about reality or your worth.

Stage 3: Emotional Response

The intensity of RSD creates overwhelming emotional flooding that goes far beyond typical stress responses. Your emotional regulation system becomes completely overwhelmed, making rational thought nearly impossible.

Emotional Flooding Symptoms:

  • Emotional intensity: Feelings become unbearable and all-consuming
  • Cognitive shutdown: Unable to think clearly, access coping strategies, or remember your worth
  • Physical symptoms: Racing heart, sweating, trembling, feeling hot or cold
  • Time distortion: It feels like this pain is going to be eternal and nothing is going to change. All similar past hurts return creating an overwhelming sense of hopelessness.
  • Dissociation: Feeling disconnected from yourself or reality

The Desperate Search for Relief:

  • Survival mode: Brain seeks any way to make the unbearable pain stop
  • Executive function offline: Unable to access logical thinking or long-term perspective
  • Emotional emergency: Feels like a life-or-death situation requiring immediate action
  • Hypervigilance: Scanning for more threats or signs of rejection

Key Insight: This emotional response is neurobiological, not a choice. Your brain is trying to protect you from what it perceives as a serious threat.

Stage 4: Reactive Behaviour

The emotional overwhelm drives desperate attempts to cope, defend, or make the pain stop. These behaviors are survival responses, not conscious choices, but they often appear disproportionate to outside observers.

Common Reactive Behaviors:

  • Withdrawal and isolation: "I'll avoid them so I can't be hurt again" - disappearing from social situations or relationships
  • Defensive over-explaining: Sending long texts or emails frantically trying to clarify your intentions
  • Emotional outbursts: The pain explodes outward in anger, tears, or intense emotional expression
  • Self-criticism spiral: "I'm too sensitive," "I always mess up," "No wonder they don't understand me"
  • People-pleasing: Desperately trying to repair the relationship or prove your worth
  • Self-destructive behaviors: Anything to distract from or numb the emotional pain

The Internal Experience:

  • Desperation: "I have to fix this right now"
  • Urgency: Every response feels like it must happen immediately
  • Black-and-white thinking: All-or-nothing responses with no middle ground
  • Loss of perspective: Unable to see the situation objectively

Key Insight: These behaviors are attempts to survive unbearable emotional pain, not character flaws or manipulation.

Stage 5: Further Misunderstanding

The reactive behaviors themselves create more misunderstanding and judgment from others. What was meant as emotional survival is now interpreted as evidence that the original misunderstanding was correct, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

How Others React:

  • "See? You ARE too emotional" - Your emotional response is used as proof that you're unstable
  • "You're overreacting to constructive feedback" - Your legitimate pain is minimized and dismissed
  • "You're being dramatic" - Your survival responses are labeled as attention-seeking
  • "You can't handle criticism" - Your RSD response is seen as weakness rather than neurobiological reality
  • "You're too sensitive for this environment" - The problem is located in you, not the misunderstanding

The Reinforcing Cycle:

  • Expectation setting: Others begin to expect "difficult" behavior from you
  • Hypervigilance increase: You become more alert to signs of misunderstanding
  • Threshold lowering: Smaller triggers now activate the full cycle
  • Identity formation: You may begin to see yourself as "the problem"
  • Relationship damage: Trust erodes and authentic connection becomes harder

The Cruel Irony:

The very responses designed to protect you from emotional pain create more situations that trigger that pain. Each cycle makes the next one more likely and more intense, creating what feels like an inescapable trap.

Breaking Point: This is where the cycle can either be interrupted with understanding and skills, or continue to escalate into more serious mental health challenges. The cycle repeats, each time becoming more intense and harder to break - unless we learn to interrupt it.

Breaking Free: Evidence-Based Solutions

Click on yellow boxes for more detailed information

Layer 1: Pre-Loop Awareness

Learn to spot early warning signs and interrupt the cycle before it fully engages.

  • Early Warning System: Tight chest, racing thoughts, heat sensation
  • TIPP Skills: Temperature, Intense exercise, Paced breathing, Paired muscle relaxation
  • Scripted Boundaries: "I need time to think about what you said"

Layer 2: In-the-Loop Skills

Techniques to use when you're already caught in the cycle to minimize damage.

  • Opposite Action: If you want to hide, gently engage instead
  • Reality Testing: "Is this real or is this RSD?"
  • Mindful Responses: Choose conscious response over reactive explosion

Layer 3: Radical Acceptance

For situations where others won't change—focus on what you can control.

  • Accept Circumstances: "They misunderstood me, I can't undo that right now"
  • Accept Emotions: "I feel crushed and angry. That's valid and human"
  • Accept Others: "They may never see the truth. That's their limitation"

The Five Radical Acceptance Questions

Use these questions to practice radical acceptance in challenging situations:

1. What aspects of this situation are out of my control?

2. What am I feeling right now, and can I allow myself to feel it without judgment?

3. What would it look like if I stopped fighting against this reality?

4. How has resisting this reality been affecting me?

5. What small step can I take to accept this moment as it is?

Personal Reflection & Session Preparation

Private Reflection Questions

These questions are designed for your personal reflection. Consider writing your thoughts privately and securely - away from prying eyes. You might want to bring your notes to your next therapy session or coaching appointment.

Remember: Keep these reflections somewhere safe and private. These are your personal insights.

Understanding Your Personal Pattern

Reflect on these questions privately:

  • Think of a recent time you felt deeply misunderstood. What exactly happened?
  • What did the other person say or do that triggered your pain?
  • What did they seem to misunderstand about your intentions or character?
  • How did your body react? (Chest tightness, stomach drop, heat, etc.)
  • What emotions came up and how intense were they (1-10)?
  • What thoughts went through your mind about yourself and the other person?

Your Reactive Patterns

Consider these questions about your responses:

  • What did you do immediately after feeling misunderstood? (Withdrew, over-explained, got angry, etc.)
  • How did others react to your response?
  • Did their reaction confirm or challenge the original misunderstanding?
  • What patterns do you notice in how you typically respond when feeling misunderstood?
  • Which of your responses tend to make situations better vs. worse?
  • What would you most like to change about how you handle these situations?

Building Your Personal Toolkit

Plan your personal strategies:

  • What are your top 3 early warning signs that RSD is activating?
  • Which TIPP skill feels most doable for you in a crisis moment?
  • What's a boundary phrase you could practice saying when you need space?
  • Who in your life might be willing to learn about RSD and support you?
  • Which relationships might benefit from radical acceptance rather than trying to create understanding?
  • What would you want to remind yourself when you're in the middle of the toxic loop?

Reframing Your Sensitivity

Explore these perspective shifts:

  • How might your sensitivity to injustice actually be a strength or gift?
  • What would change in your relationships if you no longer feared being misunderstood?
  • What energy would be freed up if you stopped fighting unchangeable realities?
  • How could you honor your moral clarity while protecting your emotional well-being?
  • What would self-compassion look like for you during RSD episodes?
  • How might you explain your needs to safe people in your life?

Taking This Forward

Your reflections on these questions are valuable insights into your personal experience with the misunderstanding-RSD cycle. Consider:

  • Keep your notes private and secure - these are sensitive personal insights
  • Share with trusted professionals - bring relevant insights to therapy or coaching sessions
  • Review regularly - patterns may become clearer over time
  • Be patient with yourself - breaking these cycles takes practice and self-compassion
  • Celebrate small progress - even tiny shifts in awareness are meaningful steps forward

Remember

Your sensitivity to injustice and misunderstanding isn't something to overcome—it's something to skillfully manage while honoring the deep caring and moral clarity it represents. You are not broken. You have tools now to work with your brain, not against it.